Nerd Mentality

Children in Theaters: Bless Their Hearts

Posted September 11th 2009 by Adrian DeHerrera.

I am so psyched for this movie.  I mean, people have said so many good things about it, seriously, it has to at least be good. Oh it's starting now.  And this popcorn is so buttery -- man this is awesome. I think I'll just sit back and relax and start becoming one with the film and ...

"Daddy... what is that thing?" 

Oh, a family sitting behind me. And, wow, Daddy is feeling the need to reply.  Because you see, Daddy apparently doesn't realize that everyone around him has paid a stupid amount of money to watch a film without commentary from a 7-year-old girl who has no idea what District 9 is about or why those mean men just shot ET in the face.

Daddy.. come on, are you really trying to explain the plot in layman's terms.  And by layman I mean terms that a little girl can understand for a movie that has such similarities to the bloody atrocities of apartheid.  Why is a grown man bringing a little girl to a movie with car chases and loud explosions?  Why do people feel that they can talk in the theater like they're in their living rooms?  Why... oh wait... is that a baby crying?

Did I just hear a baby cry over there?

Ma'am.  Ma'am you are not seriously telling me you brought a baby into a loud, packed theater and thought the sounds of screams and cries blaring from the speakers might become like a lullabye to your Little One's delicate ears. 

Are you homeless?  Was there nowhere else to put the baby except in your loving arms and you are in the theater to take solace from the uncaring world around you?  Are you hiding from the police? 

No? Then what in God's name possessed you to bring a child into this world... and then bring him to the equivalent to a rave from hell to a tiny baby's ears?  Madame, listen I like kids. I really, really do.  But your loud and continual "SHH!"ing in the poor kid's face isn't really teaching him much of a lesson because now he is crying louder. Oh the bottle isn't working it seems.  Hm ,well maybe you can take him outside and perhaps drive back home where you can give him love and affection in an environment that doesn't foster trauma and terror.  Oh, well you've decided to cradle him and talk to him while this quiet, emotional sequence plays out.  Thank goodness because I love hearing a grown woman talk in baby language while trying to emotionally resolve the poignancy of what's happening.. 

Now your infant is gargling and making sounds like a Chihuahua.  Isn't that sweet?  Well these are the best years of motherhood – the years where you can ruin all sorts of experiences for others.  I didn't need to watch this movie anyway.

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