Nerd Mentality

Today I Learned To Walk Again

Posted May 10th 2009 by Joey Reed.

(Disclaimer: this isn't a metaphor for 'walking with Jesus' or anything of that sort. I wouldn't put you through that. No offense to the Great Bearded Man in the Sky, but those stories repel people more than Jim Gaffigan's set on how these stories repel people (just kidding, I love the guy):

Here's the deal*. For the longest time, I have been certain that walking like a normal human being is impossible for me. To put my romantic prose to work, it's like I'm two robots with different speeds and rhythms grafted onto each other; one for the torso and one for the legs. Neither robot is good at doing either of their movements. The legs bend too much, or the feet overshoot their mark; the arms look mighty unnatural in both movement and position. It's also something I can FEEL: it's like the hydraulics in my legs are shot. The body jauntily bounces too much with each step.

Ever since I heard there was a perfect way to walk, or a preferable way at the very least, I've suddenly become aware that walking isn't as automatic as breathing. Which way of walking conveys masculinity, dominance, self assurance? Comfort? How can you do all of this without a ridiculous Jersey boy swagger? All that leaning from side to side is going to kill the obliques.

Even when sitting down, HE GOT SWAGS

Why the focus on a masculine walk? Guess the whole metrosexual walk is too aimless, lacking direction. Thinking on it, perhaps the biggest thing that messed me up is this tidbit of knowledge a guy once spouted in my direction. He said that walking with your legs further apart conveys dominance and masculinity for the reason that it APPEARS you're walking around a set of huge genitalia (read: cock and balls). This is no puppet show nor stuffing session; fruit bowl components need not apply. It's symbolism, body language, and whatever the fuck else the guy mentioned. I think the effect it's giving me is one of the following (Yay, lists are easy!)

-"This dude does pilates with his mom, and it's kicking his ass."
-Double hernia, groin region
-Massive anal rape victim/frequent customer/connoisseur
-Curious boy realized normal masturbation isn't fun anymore
-Another thing concerning the sphincter, probably

This walking thing is my main issue, aside from MY DAMNED THIN WRISTS. WHY, GOD?? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WITH THESE?? However, just the other day**, I LEARNED HOW TO WALK AGAIN. Not by assessing the situation, looking within myself and realizing I'm just a self-sabotaging sucker sapping self-esteem solely for the sake of---fitting in with the rest of you headcases?---NO, I did not do this.

Instead, I walked behind a man from my improv class (There's some derogatory joke that can be made here, I KNOW it). I watched the back of his feet; an area I seldom focus my attention on when walking behind guys.

...

Um. Here's what normal standing legs look like, maybe:

His legs moved like this:

His feet, after taking a step, were pushed back and up in a DIAGONAL fashion. Stay with me, this is a riveting subject. Here's how I usually walk:

Somehow I managed to make taking a step seem like the most complex thing. That takes real effort

Me: foot, after taking a step, goes straight back and up, parallel to the other foot. Him, diagonal. Could this be it? The little quirk I've been missing from my walking repertoire? I tried it, and suddenly, hydraulics were in place. I was fucking GLIDING. Sure, at the moment it looks like some flowery figure skating move, but with patience and practice, it'll become subdued and natural.

No hope for the wrists.

(I'll talk about video games or movies next time, I swear)

*Staff writer may be ridiculously self-scrunitizing to the point of reliable insanity
**I know, the blog title says "Today," but I lost morale halfway through the blog and decided to lie on a couch for a week. Because, you know, this job is SO HARD

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