Nerd Mentality

Gigantic Muslim Breasts (It's a catchier name)

Posted April 8th 2009 by Joey Reed.

My bad, teenagers/most everyone else in the United States. I do not own a car. I had two. Messed up twice. I'm a bus man for life; life, for a young man, being roughly the next six to twelve months. Some slightly (read: not at all) interesting things happened on the bus that I'd like to discuss.

1) Muslim boob/infant lady

To my immediate right sat a woman with a shawl over her head and upper body, all Muslim-like. I eyed her for that succulent moment I afford to every low life bus occupant. Her allotted time was just about up until I noticed that SHE WAS HOLDING HER GIGANTIC CHILD-SIZED LEFT MAMMARY IN HER ARMS. And potentially her right, but I didn't see it directly, so I shouldn't go about making assumptions.

At least, I THINK it was a mammary. For all I know, it was just a child-sized child. Wrapped in the same material as her dress. With no visible head or limbs. Under her shawl, like a kangaroo womb or something. Before I could get a decent look at it, she covered her side-boob-like object with her shawl, dooming mankind's current chest weight records to remain unshattered for this given week. It very well could have just been a "child-sized-boob"-sized child, or any one of the following:

-Flexible beer belly with a disposition for high places
-A strange gas bubble phenomenon under her dress
-Woman's actually Mexican, is smuggling much tinier Mexicans under the guise of big-boobed Muslim chick (Genius, though smuggling them in there all the way up to Washington... little excessive)
-A plastic ball full of various nacho meals from Taco Bell

I can't confirm any of it. Except that trying to pick up some 40-something Muslim woman in high hopes of groping her potential back pain plantations would be awkward, out of the question, and God I hope I see her again.

2) Earphones dude missing half a nostril

This guy, late fifties I'd say, was to the left of me. I was wearing a shirt stating "I listen to bands that don't even exist yet." It's a Threadless tee (www.threadless.com), and I'm never buying a tee from them again because apparently it drives people to strike up a chat with me. He said he liked the shirt, and he likes music. That's fantastic sir, allow me to nod like an eager little idiot and spit poetry like "Yeah, music's good. I like music too." Somehow this lasted the entire bus ride. Since he was a perseverant conversational steamroller, he kept chugging right along, and I eventually found myself making eye contact with him. That was fine. Two inches south-by-southwest and WHAT THE FUCK YOUR NOSEHOLE IS MISSING... HOLE. The skin was a little warbled, like the skin had healed shakily. Seeing this on his face is, alone, enough to cause extreme dislike, but there's more. He talked in a steady, quiet manner, which is perfection on a city bus carrying next week's 7-11 burglars (I don't know, I guess I'm implying they're loud?). Throw in a crying baby and you know the situation's hopeless.

Alright, old guy speaks quietly, nothing too strange. But try and explain him wearing earphones, listening to show tunes or what have you, the whole time. People usually speak louder when listening to music, yes? If he was doing that, this guy MUST be a full-time mute in every other situation.

To wrap things up, the man said he rides the bus all the time, and I can bet my buckshot I'd see him again. Thus this will be the last time I come home, g'night all.

BONUS MATERIAL: I was looking up a new haircut online, and the corner of my eye spotted this picture of a statue. And for that instant, this picture looked like a gigantic distorted nipple (VERY distorted, obviously ethnic. This milky-coffee jamboree makes me think of young tan Ethiopian thangs. I must be breast-obsessed today). Squint, it's totally there.

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