Nerd Mentality

End Boss Month: Day 5 (Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong)

Posted May 6th 2005 by J Edison Thomas.

Where does an 800-lb gorilla sit at the dinner table? He doesn't because that's a ridiculous situation. Gorillas don't eat dinner at the table. Instead, they capture your girlfriend and take her to the top of a poorly-designed building under construction. And that's just the kind of behavior that earned this gorilla the name of a stubborn ass: "Donkey Kong".

Back in the good old days when videogames didn't even need to make sense, Donkey Kong battled it out with Mario by rolling barrels (and sometimes flaming barrels) at him, somehow controlling little balls of fire to chase him, and also just flat-out cheating so that every time he was defeated, Mario was brought back to the beginning stage on a slightly higher difficultly level. Bowser would later repeat this business practice to much success in Super Mario Bros., at which point Congress passed legislation that would force game developers to give gamers a good five minutes to soak in a sense of accomplishment before tossing them back in the fray. It's all public record so you can check on it yourself.

Donkey Kong put up a good fight (and what a fight, it's been re-produced for the Game Boy, and then again for both Donkey Kong 64 and Animal Crossing) but there's not much else to say about a King Kong clone who throws barrels and then runs away before the hero can even force him into a climactic showdown. All I know is, I wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley, or even a well-lit construction site. You earn my fear and respect, O Primate Brother.

Posted in: Features

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